I know this is a weird journal.. it has nothing to do with art, but it's been something I've been itching to talk about for quite some time now.
I want to talk, from personal opinion, and a rather difficult halfway point, about self love. This is mostly for my family and friends, who tell me I am beautiful just the way I am, although to a certain extent, I disagree.
Firstly, I don't share pictures of myself because I'm so painfully self conscious. Until August, I spent quite a few years being over 100 pounds overweight. Whenever I would go out with friends, I'd hear other people laugh and wondered if they were making fun of me, I always chose the back seat of a classroom, I would get winded by a staircase... This is a struggle that's been around my whole life, and has turned me into this person who never speaks or raises the slightest attention around anyone. I'm not shy, just someone in pain, too afraid to tell anyone.
I finally decided a few months ago that this is the last straw. I was so depressed and miserable that I was considering giving up. I wasn't suicidal, but didn't really care about what would happen to me. "I'm 19, this isn't how people my age should be" I thought, and with tremendous help from my mom, I worked to change. And I've stuck to it, 3 months later I'm 40 pounds lighter and have more energy than I have had in 10 years... I finally learned to ride a bicycle and can stride right up a long staircase!
I'm annoyed by one simple thing though. Every single person I've ever tried to have this conversation with tells me that I'm fine the way I am. That's not true! Had I settled for what I was, I'd simply be complacent, not happy! My family does it a lot, I know they don't mean any harm, but in truth I hate hearing it.
The reason I was not happy is because I know there's something better within myself that is crying out to be seen. I'm not unhappy over a big nose or some other feature I can't change, because those are a part of me, but being obese is NOT! It doesn't matter what you may say to me, I will never be happy as long as I'm obese, this is an awful way to live and wouldn't wish it on anyone... I'll advocate healthy eating for the rest of my life and preach the emotional horrors of being overweight if I can spare even one person from what I went through.
For those of you who find yourself in a similar situation as me, I want to stress the importance of TRULY loving yourself. Accepting something you don't want to be isn't your only option. I urge you to give health improvement another go, and this time, imagine yourself in beautiful shape, feeling genuinely happy with yourself and seeing the look on everyone's face as you prove to them just how beautiful you REALLY are beneath the shroud of complacency.
If anyone would like, I'd be happy to share details on my diet plan that helped me lose 40 pounds (so far). Please note though that it is rather extreme and you must be willing to give up on quite a few foods. It's not a fad either, please don't think I'm taking some "easy way out". Just comment or note me, even if this journal is 5 years old and you have never spoken to me before, I will happily share. Let me be clear - Weight. Loss. Is. Very. Hard. There is no easy way to do this. But there's a million and one reasons why you should go for it.
As for at this very moment, that was tough to share. But overall, I'm so excited about what's in store for the next few months as I continually descend this horrible obesity ladder. I've also been inspiring my family. My parents and brother have been going on daily bike rides after my determination to finally learn how to ride. Other members of my family have been telling me about their changes in eating habits, one of my friends has even joined me in battling obesity by going on a diet very similar to mine.
I haven't been this happy in such a long time! I can smile at myself when I look in the mirror now.